IYAAJAY // MENS STYLE BLOG: April 2018

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April 13, 2018

Anxiety + Me // IYAAJAY

April 02, 2018

Okay so lets get this out in the open.
Its pretty tough for me to type this for some strange reason as i've never really addressed it before on such a large scale. After seeing Josh Newis-Smith, all around uber sass babe and blogger friend open up about his long term relationship with body dysmophia (Click here to read), and shedding a tear or two over it, Ive been inspired to share my own issues in the hope of helping people, even if its just one person.

Anxiety
Suffered for 10 years
Worry free for 2 months

The earliest memory I can remember when this started was probably in primary school, ready to dive into the freezing outdoor pool which smelt so strongly of chlorine, and I just froze. The first ever panic attack. Probably one of the scariest things I'd ever been through as my breathing went shallow, the whole surrounding just started spinning and I saw white blobs in my vision. I managed to sit this one out and controlled it but that was probably the beginning. School kind of sucked for me. I was a smart kid, but hanging around with the girls and never liking sports like football etc always made me a target for bullying and torment which really made me feel awful, like I wasn't wanted.

Ive always been quite a reserved and shy person (hard to believe I know, but thats the joy of the front for social media) but I struggled so much with this at the beginning of secondary school, which is when it really started. Day after day, I'd find myself at student support, balling my eyes out, crippled by stomach cramps, migraines and waves of nausea, struggling to even get through one lesson without holding it together. I put it down to initial nerves due to new surroundings etc and this eventually went when I was paired up with someone who was in the same lessons as me (yep, i was that kid that needed chaperoning round) but this was pretty much the worst it was for me at school. The bullying didnt really stop either, and right when the digital age really kicked in, i found myself with a hacked email account with digitally altered photos pretending to be me sent round my entire school year.You'd of thought exams, GCSE's, the pressures of growing up not really knowing who I am and what I wanted to do would cause this, but weirdly i skated past all that and passed, made great friends who stood by me even after all the happened, heck even ended up winning awards and being vice captain of the athletics team and represented the school at local events and found myself going off to college, hoping for a fresh start away from all the end of year crap and drama.

Now college was a pretty shitty one for me and when the anxiety really started. I had hardly any friends, I struggled so much with the changes of not only the surroundings but the different types of people Id meet there. I didn't really feel like I fitted in with anyone, and found myself usually slumped in the library, knee deep in graphics work vying for other peoples approval (my teachers were always super strict on me) and I felt like I couldnt do anything right. It wasn't until I was going into my second year that I started to panic. I was officially kicked off one of my subjects as I was failing, Id already dropped one of them after two days due to hating it (looking back now I really wish I did something more media and creative based) and I was freaking out over what I was going to do next. Luckily, my tutor was pretty supportive and winged it that I was allowed to come back onto two subjects 'due to a medical reason'. Id always blamed my hydrocephalus for this. It wasn't. It was the shitty shitty excuse for my anxiety. This really came up to bat when it came to start learning to drive. I was absolutely fine in lessons, and nothing ever really happened until I took my theory test and totally bombed it. I put it down to not revising but something in my head was telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve to pass. Second time lucky and I passed but here was nagging doubt again in the back of my mind, almost tallying up how long I had left before another freakout. I tried time and time again to pass and eventually passed on my 4th time, stupidly just after leaving college (I ended up with C/D grades because I truthfully didn't want to be there so never really bothered which I really regret now) During this time, my anxiety had got so bad that I was put on beta blockers, which made me feel worse and groggy, and to be honest, never really worked for me. Tablets are the miracle cure like they claim.

I had so many grand career plans for after college, university was totally out of it for me, going from graphic designer, to estate agent etc, but ended up working in a dingy petrol station linked to a supermarket. I was miserable. 3 1/2 years went by, being stuck on a 12 hour contract, feeling like a total failure after seeing how well my friends had done for themselves, before I finally got out and joined Topman as a sales advisor. I really truly love the guys here for shaping me into who I am now. I finally felt like I belonged. I was given visual merchandising to do, the uniform and discount allowances were envy inducing and I finally felt like a someone. Id made it.

My anxiety took quite a back seat during the first couple of years but the end of 2017 really hit me hard. Certain things started sticking to me that I didn't like, home life was pretty shitty, I felt quite trapped and felt that I didn't want to bother anyone, so I kept it all down and pushed on through, being as stubborn as usual (the worst thing is, I hate admitting i'm struggling) Day after day, I just sunk lower and lower, pushing myself to keep going and putting on a brave face. In reality, I was burnt out, pushing too much on myself trying to create content for here, keep my job, and trying to prove I can do it all. During December, I pretty much cried in my car everyday after work, feeling weak and drained, but always stating 'Im fine' (my standard key struggle phrase) and never really opening up about what was really happening. I always found it hard to talk to my parents about things like this as they tell me about their jobs and stresses, but whenever I got the balls to talk to them about it, I felt pushed aside and told 'to deal with it' or 'what do you expect?' and never really offered the support I craved. The day after my birthday was horrific. I woke up at 8:55, 5 mins before Im suppose to start work, in a hot sweat, stomach cramping so bad I couldn't stand, and I phoned work in tears saying I won't be in. Was I making myself ill? ofcourse not, dont be so stupid, i can handle anything! I went back two days later and kept everything down again, but my brain was working overtime, throwing every scenario in my head and running with every little detail. I kept up this shitty charade for around another month and boom, it hit me again. The same week I got told that my mums job was in jeopardy, I threw myself into this rut of thinking of how i would cope having to help out my family and pay for everything that I had to and still keep my sanity. Again, the stomach cramps happened. The constant tears happened. Heck, even the immobilising and crushing fear happened and I felt like I couldn't move, bed bound by my own worse enemy, my mind. I tried 40 times in 2 days to get a doctors appointment, feeling even worse because not even my own doctor could help me.

When i returned to work, I had a back to work interview, usually a little 15 min chat about what was wrong and what you must do when you return etc but nope, mine was 1hr30mins of just letting everything go, opening up, laying everything on the table, breaking myself down to show that I was actually a venerable person who actually hated what was happening and that I wanted out of it. I wanted to be happy again, I wanted to enjoy going to work and not having the fear of crying in the office, the stock room or my car, I craved stability and needed help. This finally did the trick and I started to open up more and more with everyone. If something annoyed me, id say. If something gave me anxiety thoughts, id say. Everything was finally clear in my head. No more struggling, no more screaming thoughts of HA! EVERYTHING'S GOING WRONG AROUND YOU, I was finally clear of it. I started opening up more to my parents about my struggles and what was happening, and now they've been amazing at noticing when Im not feeling 100% and offering as much help as they can, and everyone at work has been incredible too to help me out and really look out for me which i'm super grateful about too.

My advice is to find someone to confide in, whether thats a close work friend, a manager, a doctor, a family member, anyone who you fully trust, and just talk to them. I know it sounds scary if you've going through anxiety, but trust me, its the best thing ever to just get everything off your chest. Write things down that are goals to you, which worked for me as you have something to work towards and your main focus are these listed items which take your mind off anxiety signs that usually would consume you. Also, just be upfront about it, just admit whats going on/if you dont like something/etc as your definitely not alone in your thoughts and suggestions and im pretty sure it'll be more respectful for you too for standing up for yourself etc.

In this day and age, theres still a real stigma when it comes to male mental health. Ask any guy and they'll probably reply with the same laddish responses and being a total brick wall when it comes to emotions, and I really hope this changes.

Your not weak if you open up, you won't be judged for speaking out, you won't be considered any different for admitting things.

I really do hope this helps even just one person confront their anxieties and hopefully breaks this stigma of male mental health.

Until next time,

Jay

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