Well this feels weird, actually sitting down to type the first blog post in just over 2 months.

It's like starting all over again and that just feel so strange.

Im not gonna lie, I kinda fell out of love with blogging. With Botgate and everyone trying to out do each other and make everything so artificial, it started to turn this experience into a saccharine-laiden haze which really just made me feel a bit low. I like to think I give everything 100% but not even that seemed to be good enough for some brands (I haven't really worked with a brand since last year and even that fell flat after one post) so I felt really deflated and unmotivated to even bother. I grew tired of trying to get my work out there to have no response, I craved numbers, i craved response, a purpose, to finally get a break. But what did break was my love for blogging and this industry which became so shallow I didn't bother with it. 

During this time, I also was going through a low point at work. Id worked solidly for months without a week off, even planning work and VM updates etc on my day off (damn my photographic memory) and I was running on fumes. Sadly it took a downturn when I also became the victim of a hate crime whilst at work, the place I loved to be, the place where I should feel safe. It triggered my anxiety off something rotten and I just felt awful. I did the right thing and reported it but even that didn't help because I was constantly referred to as 'the victim' which made me mad, so mad in fact that I broke down and uncontrollably cried. Im not a victim, I'm someone who's come out stronger from what happened. I will never be a victim for someone who is shallow minded, self absorbed, judgemental. And annoyingly, I had to deal with this during my week off so I didn't really have the nice relaxing break that I deserved.

So what now?

Well lately I've felt a bit more like myself. Im more positive about change. Im stronger than before and can handle more than I thought. I actually enjoy challenges and embracing new things. Ive learnt to let go. Ive learnt the numbers don't matter, the followers don't matter, the passion is what should drive you to do it, not what you can get out of it.

I feel more confident in myself, Ive booked more tattoos (hello right arm sleeve), Im looking forward to the future. I spent 3 hours doing a huge wardrobe overhaul and now feel more confident in myself and how I look. Ive finally sorted my room out and made it my happy little place. Everything's coming round all peachy and i'm kind of loving it. I really learnt who cares for me, who loves and supports me, who will always be there for me and its been like a really comforting hug.

So yeah, that's a little update for you.

Im hoping to even post every couple of weeks when Ive got time to sit down and be more creative.

Heres to the future

Until next time,

Jay